An Apologized Letter to My Father

Before going to Kinmen, I started to read Mukoda Kuniko's "Father's Apologized Letter." (向田邦子の『父の詫び状』)
Unexpectedly, I took the same airplane company "Far Eastern" that Mukoda had the air crashed in 1981. 

I took "Father's Apologized Letter" with me flying to Kinmen, and tried to fulfill my unfinished Kinmen trip after my father's sudden leave.

Two years ago, after running 9 K in Taipei Fubon marathon, I decided to go to Kinmen to run my first  half marathon. The main reason was I dreaming to visit Kinmen after reading so many history about it in the text book. At that time, my dearest old dog Yo was still with me. I usually took him to see the most famous Vet nearby Da-An Park and I myself also went to see to a doctor nearby the same place.  In that period, I ran along the biggest park in Taipei quite often.

Two weeks before running in Kinmen, my father suddenly passed away. My sister Elaine told me, "Let's cancel the trip to Kinmen." I was kind of unhappy to reply," Why? I want to run!" She was surprised at my childish, "How can you have the mood to go?" Maybe she didn't understand that running is my main exit to express my sorrow. 

During that very period, I ran and cried along Da-An Park at nights.

My father's sudden leave and the unfinished Kinmen trip connected together in my memory.

No matter how, I was thinking to go to Kinmen one day. I wanted to find an excuse to talk and apologize my childish attitude with my far far away papa.

Finally, I took the Far Eastern Air to Kinmen by myself.

Luckily, I met two running friends there and their company relieved my loneliness.

I never thought Kinmen is such a beautiful place and people there are so tough and passionate. On all the way run, people wake up very early to cheer us up, especially the old people.  It was the first time I found the cheering team could give runners so much energy to continue running.

After finishing the half marathon, we went to Lieyu. It was surprising to find it is so close to China, even my mobile phone telecommunication system quickly changed to China Unicom. 

I got a terrible serious stomach ache at that night. I was in tears alone in the BNB room. Ironically, I always pretended to have stomach ache to escape from the physical education class in senior high school. 

I thought of the very long dark tunnels I walked through in the day time. What kind of solitude it would be when the soldiers built it up? What kinds of feeling when people escaped here from the bombing?

It was chilly cold tonight. I went to Twatitutia to run along the riverside with PTT running group as usual. My running friend R asked me about the trip in Kinmen. In the 10 K running, combined with the sweat and very relaxable conversations. 

After running, I walked back to the office alone. And then I started to sob and couldn't stop crying out. Since my old cat left and my separation with P, it was the first time I could not control my emotion outside.

I raised my head to watch the cloudy sky and though of the full moon last week. K sent me the message that he got the moon. I replied him that i was caught by the moon. When I looked up into the full moon, it always sent me back to the moment when I lost my dearest love and the moon tried to ask me to confess the deepest part of my sorrow. 

When I walked by the empty park nearby the office. It reminded me Tsia Ming-Liang's film "Vive l'Amour." In the last scene of the film, the main actress walked a very long way along the under structured Da-An Park. Then she sat on a bench and started to cry. I was too young to understand the last scene at that time, but it was deeply shocked and impressed me. I finally understood it now...

People are so weak. We need to use all the camouflage to protect us, even it is so fragile useless...

Mukoda Kuniko mentioned that she was afraid of telling the truth to her old mother when she got the breast cancer in the afterword.

"For parents, their own children are always like kids no matter how old they are. In the end, "Father's Apologized Letter" became my apologized letter to my mother."

It made me think of my mom who is still worried about me all the time. And my "An Apologized Letter to My Father," the same as Mukoda Kuniko, became my apologized letter to my mom.