2014年1月28日 星期二

おはよう。こんにちは。おやすみ。


「おはよう!」
say good-bye to yesterday and welcome the brand new day.


「こんにちは!」
it is a good sunny day.
頑張ろう!
GOGOGO!
お元気になってください。



「おやすみ!」
wish you have a nice dream.

everyday, i live and talk to my heart.

2014年1月26日 星期日

君はどこかで


空気公団 - 別れ(スタジオライブ)


作曲:山崎ゆかり 
作詞:山崎ゆかり

そっと聞こえるようにいつまででも流れていた
君のことはもうすぐ忘れてしまう
そのほうがいいんだ
薄く色づく春は何だかちょっとさみしくなる
君のことはもうすぐ忘れてしまう
そのほうがいいんだ
きれいだった花の色
何となく覚えてる言葉は
いらないってときが来るから
君はどこかで

きっと笑顔になって誰かと今ささやいてる

きれいだった花の色
何となく覚えてる言葉は
いらないってときが来るから
僕はどこかで

きっと忘れるために君のことを思い出すよ
笑顔になって誰かと今ささやきあう


Try to be happy

"Good-bye," he said to the flower.
But she did not answer him.
"Good-bye," he repeated.
The flower coughed. But not because she had a cold.
"I've been silly," she told him at least. "I ask your forgiveness. Try to be happy."
He was surprised that there were no reproaches. He stood there, quite bewildered, holding the glass bell in the midair. He failed to understand this calm sweetness.
"Of course I love you," the flower told him. " It was my fault you never knew. It doesn't matter.  But you were just as silly as I was. Try to be happy...Put that glass thing down. I don't want it anymore..."
"But the wind..."
"My cold isn't that bad...The night air will do me good. I'm a flower."
"But the animals..."
"I need to put up with two or three caterpillars if I want to get to know the butterflies. Apparently they're beautiful. Otherwise who will visit me? You'll be far away. As for the big animals, I'm not afraid of them. I have my own claws. " And she naively showed her four thorns. Then she added, "Don't hang around like this; it's irritating. You made up your mind to leave. Now go."
For she didn't want him to see her crying. She was such a proud flower...

---"The Little Prince" IX


2014年1月23日 星期四

when i miss you, i will come back 我回來,是因為我想念你......


The little prince sat down on a rock and looked up into the sky.
"I wonder," he said, "if the stars are lit up so each other can find his own, someday. Look at my planet--it's just overhead. But so far away!"
"It's lovely," the snake said. "What have you come to Earth for?"
"I'm having difficulties with a flower," the little prince said.
"Ah!" said the snake.
And they were both silent.
"Where are the people?" the little prince finally resumed the conversation. "It's a little bit lonely in the desert..."
"It's also lonely with people," said the snake.

                                                                       ---The Little Prince by ANTOINE DE SANT-EXUPERY


Because of missing, I took the very long fly and came back to Mexico.
When I arrived at the Guadalajara airport, I hesitated.
I realized there is no one waiting for me...
All the unknown Spanish words and strange faces were around me, and I was so lonely.
When the night came, I stayed in the hotel.
I heard the happy noisy talking voices from the lobby.
It was so quiet in my room...
When the sun arrived, I walked in the street.
I was surrounded by the unknown language and strange faces again.
I push the heavy door open, and I went inside the bookstore.
And then I found the Mexican edition of "El Principito."
I took "El Principito" with me and walked around the streets.
Mexican people looked at me and smiled.

Three years ago when I left Mexico I said, "When you miss me, I will be back."

And I finally knew the reason why I was here.
I missed their lovely smiles so much, so I came back from such far far away.
I came back not because someone here missed me.
I came back only because I missed here.

"when you miss me, i will be back. 當你想我時,我會再回來......"

因為思念,我飛了很長很長的一段路,回到墨西哥。
當我抵達瓜達拉哈拉機場時,我猶豫了。
這裡沒有人等待著我......
我被陌生的西班牙文和臉孔包圍著,孤寂找到了我。
當夜晚來臨時,我獨自待在飯店的房間裡。
飯店大廳傳來吵雜熱鬧的說話聲。
而我的房間是如此的寂靜......
當太陽出現時,我走在大街上。
陌生的西班牙文和臉孔再度包圍著我。
我推開沈重的書店大門,走了進去。
然後,我發現了墨西哥版的"小王子"。
我帶著"小王子",漫步在大街上。
墨西哥人總是帶著微笑看著我。

三年前,離開墨西哥時,我說:「當你想我時,我會再回來。」

然而,我終於明白自己為何會再回來。
因為我思念他們的笑容太多,所以我從很遠很遠的地方回到這裡。
我回來,並非有任何人思念著我。
我回來,是因為我如此思念著此地。

http://emily826tw.blogspot.tw/2010/12/i-came-from-far-far-away.html

i may not love you forever

i say i will love you forever.
it is like a charm that we will do it all the time.
i say i am old enough to know the result of love, but i finally found I am always a freshman.
love is love.
when the day comes, it is.

i said i may not love you forever.
love is like a time limited fruit.
the time machine only took us to the best memory place, but memory couldn't come back to the reality.
i said we need to take care of the fragile something, because it is not as strong as we expected.
when the day comes, it is.

i may not love you forever.
what will be will be.

11.24, 2013

2014年1月22日 星期三

一顆小米粒的萌芽

很多年前,和昆德拉夫婦在巴黎的餐廳吃飯時,巧遇了桑貝和他的法國出版社編輯。
因為餐廳的地點,就在法國最大的Gallimard珈利瑪出版社附近,和昆德拉夫妻吃飯時遇到作家或是編輯,其實並不是件很稀奇的事。
但,那天遇到的是「桑貝」本人耶!我忍不著的興奮,跟昆德拉夫婦說:「我是桑貝的粉絲耶。他在台灣翻譯出版的作品我都有看唷。」
他們很開心地將我帶到桑貝身邊介紹我這位來自臺灣的小編輯。
然後,我說:「我最喜歡《馬塞林為什麼會臉紅?》這本書了。」
結果離開前,桑貝畫了一張圖送給我。

照片0121  

因為喜歡桑貝,喜歡安德烈·馬金尼(Andreï Makine)的作品,我和法國 Editions Denoël的海外版權人員成了好朋友。
有一次我又跟她聊起了桑貝,身旁的皇冠老同事一臉疑惑,因為她從沒看過桑貝的書。
我驚訝的說: 「妳怎麼能夠不認識馬塞林!?」

就這樣,在成立愛米粒之後,想出桑貝作品的種子,便意外的在多年後發芽了。
昨天去上廣播時,主持人阿潘也是第一次看《馬塞林為什麼會臉紅?》和《哈伍勒的祕密》。
她看了之後,對這兩本書愛不釋手。
我跟她說,我真的希望這兩本書暢銷。希望他們暢銷並不是因為我想賺錢,而是我真心希望能有更多更多的讀者發現這書的美好。
這兩本書,雖花不上你多少時間閱讀,但,他們即將帶給你的溫暖熱度,卻會是很久很久。

怎麼辦,我找不到我的熱情在哪?

發掘天賦-全書封1126outline  

去年有一次回中和,嫂子跟我們說念國二的大侄子說,他找不到他的熱情在哪?
他說自己雖然念書成績很好,運動也不錯,喜歡看書。大家說他是書蟲,但,他又覺得自己跟真正對書有熱情的人又不太一樣。
他對很多事情失去了熱情,因為他不知道自己的熱情在哪?他不知道自己到底最愛的是什麼?
我聽了以後,很是擔憂。
前一陣子有個好朋友在工作上很低落,他跟我說:「Emily,我不知道自己對於工作的熱情和價值在哪?」當他面對未來轉換的工作選擇時,他猶豫了。
「熱情/價值/選擇」,似乎是我們在找到自己人生的目標時,會一直重複問自己的問題。
自從我當了編輯之後,很多朋友跟我說:「真羨慕妳能做自己喜歡的工作。因為做編輯就是妳的天賦。」
每次聽到這句話時,我就會想:為什麼有那麼多人不曉得自己的天賦在哪?找不到對工作或生活的熱情?
最近聽到最有趣的是,有個好朋友聽了我參加馬拉松的故事後,那天下午一直跟我說:「妳的天賦就是跑步!」哇,跑步很「慢」的我,竟然被說成「天生就會跑」那種人。
不過,我相信人的天賦不是只有一個。但,最重要的是,要找出自己的天賦在哪,才能活的快樂有趣。

因為侄子對自我熱情價值的困擾,我開始關心起這類議題的書。
去年五月受邀去紐西蘭參加奧克蘭作家節,和出版社開會時,意外的發現了這本書"Who You Are is What You Do."
我跟出版社要了書後,在通車的路上翻閱了起來。
裡面一而再,再而三的,要我們審視自己「最喜歡的事」,「最重要的事」,「什麼是生命中不可缺少的事?」然後慢慢地教導我們找出自己的天賦所在,找出適合自己的工作所在。
就這樣,我決定將這本書翻譯出版,然後送給我正值青少年的侄子,以及所有還在找尋人生目標的朋友們。

An Apologized Letter to My Father


Before going to Kinmen, I started to read Mukoda Kuniko's "Father's Apologized Letter." (向田邦子の『父の詫び状』)
Unexpectedly, I took the same airplane company "Far Eastern" that Mukoda had the air crashed in 1981. 

I took "Father's Apologized Letter" with me flying to Kinmen, and tried to fulfill my unfinished Kinmen trip after my father's sudden leave.

Two years ago, after running 9 K in Taipei Fubon marathon, I decided to go to Kinmen to run my first  half marathon. The main reason was I dreaming to visit Kinmen after reading so many history about it in the text book. At that time, my dearest old dog Yo was still with me. I usually took him to see the most famous Vet nearby Da-An Park and I myself also went to see to a doctor nearby the same place.  In that period, I ran along the biggest park in Taipei quite often.

Two weeks before running in Kinmen, my father suddenly passed away. My sister Elaine told me, "Let's cancel the trip to Kinmen." I was kind of unhappy to reply," Why? I want to run!" She was surprised at my childish, "How can you have the mood to go?" Maybe she didn't understand that running is my main exit to express my sorrow. 

During that very period, I ran and cried along Da-An Park at nights.

My father's sudden leave and the unfinished Kinmen trip connected together in my memory.

No matter how, I was thinking to go to Kinmen one day. I wanted to find an excuse to talk and apologize my childish attitude with my far far away papa.

Finally, I took the Far Eastern Air to Kinmen by myself.

Luckily, I met two running friends there and their company relieved my loneliness.

I never thought Kinmen is such a beautiful place and people there are so tough and passionate. On all the way run, people wake up very early to cheer us up, especially the old people.  It was the first time I found the cheering team could give runners so much energy to continue running.

After finishing the half marathon, we went to Lieyu. It was surprising to find it is so close to China, even my mobile phone telecommunication system quickly changed to China Unicom. 

I got a terrible serious stomach ache at that night. I was in tears alone in the BNB room. Ironically, I always pretended to have stomach ache to escape from the physical education class in senior high school. 

I thought of the very long dark tunnels I walked through in the day time. What kind of solitude it would be when the soldiers built it up? What kinds of feeling when people escaped here from the bombing?




It was chilly cold tonight. I went to Twatitutia to run along the riverside with PTT running group as usual. My running friend R asked me about the trip in Kinmen. In the 10 K running, combined with the sweat and very relaxable conversations. 

After running, I walked back to the office alone. And then I started to sob and couldn't stop crying out. Since my old cat left and my separation with P, it was the first time I could not control my emotion outside.

I raised my head to watch the cloudy sky and though of the full moon last week. K sent me the message that he got the moon. I replied him that i was caught by the moon. When I looked up into the full moon, it always sent me back to the moment when I lost my dearest love and the moon tried to ask me to confess the deepest part of my sorrow. 

When I walked by the empty park nearby the office. It reminded me Tsia Ming-Liang's film "Vive l'Amour." In the last scene of the film, the main actress walked a very long way along the under structured Da-An Park. Then she sat on a bench and started to cry. I was too young to understand the last scene at that time, but it was deeply shocked and impressed me. I finally understood it now...

People are so weak. We need to use all the camouflage to protect us, even it is so fragile useless...

Mukoda Kuniko mentioned that she was afraid of telling the truth to her old mother when she got the breast cancer in the afterword.

"For parents, their own children are always like kids no matter how old they are. In the end, "Father's Apologized Letter" became my apologized letter to my mother."

It made me think of my mom who is still worried about me all the time. And my "An Apologized Letter to My Father," the same as Mukoda Kuniko, became my apologized letter to my mom.

2014年1月21日 星期二

給父親的道歉信 An Apologized Letter to My Father


出發到金門跑馬拉松之前,開始看起了向田邦子的《父親的道歉信》。
巧合的是到金門搭乘的航空公司正是向田邦子1981年發生空難的遠東航空。

我帶著《父親的道歉信》,搭乘遠東航空,試圖完成父親驟世後未完成的金門行。

兩年前,第一次參加路跑。跑完富邦9公里之後,大膽地報名了金門的半馬。最主要其實是因為自己從未去過金門。想利用去跑半馬的藉口,親自去看看教科書中的金門。為了人生的第一次21公里,我開始認真地跑起步來。那時老憂還在,我常得帶他去大安森林公園旁的心臟專科的貴族動物醫院回診,而我自己也因為查不出來的老毛病,同樣得常去書田看病。就這樣,我時不時在全台北最大的公園跑起步來。


出發到金門的前兩週,父親突然過世了。同樣預計一起去金門跑步的阿姐說:「取消金門行吧。」我那時負氣的說:「為什麼?但我想去跑啊。」阿姐說:「妳還有心情跑啊?」但她可能無法理解,「跑步,成了我最大的情緒發洩出口。」


那陣子,很多的夜裡,我繞著大安森林公園,邊跑邊哭了起來。


就這樣,父親的驟世和取消的金門行,不小心畫成了等號。


不管怎麼樣,我一直想去金門,想為自己的當年的任性找個藉口,想跟已逝的父親對話、道歉。


就這樣,我獨自搭著遠航,抵達金門。


幸運的是,在那裡等著我的是綠島認識的跑友和PTT路跑社大哥的陪伴,以致讓我沒有時間孤單。


金門,超乎想像的美麗。金門人,超乎想像的強悍與熱情。21公里的路程,一路上盡是早起加油的鎮民,尤其是老人家佔了大多數。第一次體會到有強烈加油團時,會是如何帶動路跑者的熱血。


跑完半馬梳洗過後,就去小金門繞了一圈。第一次發現這裡離中國是如此的近,連手機的訊號,都自動改成中國聯通了。


夜裡,從未有過的強烈胃痛折磨著我,我獨自一人在民宿的房裡痛到淚流不止。諷刺的是,高中的時候,為了躲避體育課,總是假裝胃痛躲到保健室的自己。


到金門,另一個震撼,是那一個又一個為戰時準備的地道。當我走過地道時,我想起了那些挖掘地道的軍人和民兵的心情,會是何種的孤單?




今天寒意正濃,我照舊去大稻埕和PTT的跑友一起跑步。跑友R問我說:「金門行如何?」
10公里的練跑,夾雜著汗水和解壓的對話。

跑完後,我又獨自一人從大稻埕走回辦公室。不知為何,我哽咽了起來,然後無法克制地邊走邊哭了起來。自從小鬆離開,甚至和P分手以來,這是第一次,我在外面情緒失控。

我抬頭看著灰撲撲的夜空,想起了上週的月圓時分。那天K跟我說,他抓到月亮了。我卻回他:「是月亮抓到我了。」月圓,總是讓我想起逝去的種種,總是不經意的抓住我心裡的最底層。

走過中山區的某個空曠公園時,我想起了很多年前看過的《愛情萬歲》。電影的最後一幕,從事房仲業的楊貴媚走在正在施工的大安森林公園,她走了很長很長一段路,然後在一張長椅上哭泣了起來。那年看時還正青春,不懂其中的苦,但那一幕卻意外地深深地刻在心裡。如今,卻是了然於心。

原來,人是如此的脆弱。我們必須用各種的武裝,將自己裝備起來。即使,這一切,都是途勞。

向田邦子在後記提到自己在得到乳癌時,遲遲不敢告訴年邁的母親。

「對父母來說,自己的小孩不管活到幾歲,永遠是小孩。」
於是這本《父親的道歉信》便成了「我寫給母親的道歉信」。

我想起了至今仍常為我煩惱不已的母親。而我這篇「給父親的道歉信」也跟向田邦子一樣,成了「寫給母親的道歉信」。